I suck at blog upkeep

Hi friends. it's been awhile, huh? Sorry about that. I've written about 7 posts that I deemed too boring or angry to post (one involved a reference to spelunking and Carmen Sandiego, so ya know, your loss). Turns out it's really hard to be interesting and pleasant when you are me. I still don't necessarily have anything of interest to talk about, so I'll just provide a brief recap of what you've missed if you haven't talked to me in the last 6 months:

* My life changed since we last spoke. Forget my new job, my new work out regime, the new "not going out 7 nights a week" lifestyle thing I'm trying. No, all of those things are minor compared to what really changed me last Friday night. And that my friends, was the NKOTBSB concert. For those not familiar with NKOTBSB, first of all... go on and get yourself a life and please stop reading now. For those in the know, let me repeat... I WENT TO SEE A CONCERT THAT COMBINED THE GREATEST BAND OF MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DAYS AND THE GREATEST BAND OF MY HIGH SCHOOL DAYS: NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK AND BACKSTREET BOYS (and yes, I said high school. I liked backstreet boys in highschool, yet still felt that I had any right to make fun of other people). I don't think its a stretch to say this experience was earth shattering. At one point (when I realized that they gave all of Joey's solos to Jordan cause Joey went through puberty since we last saw him and no longer has the highest voice of the group) my head almost exploded. Ya see, contrary to what my sister thinks.. I was, and always will be, the biggest Jordan fan you have ever seen. I even stuck with him through the low point when he was a disaster on "the surreal life" trying to hook up with some ex-American idol reject and sharing a room with Joey Gladstone and Mr. Woodchuck.. (did somebody say.... wood?) And even though he doesnt have that sexy braided rattail anymore, he still is a smoking hot piece of man candy. And although I could have died a happy woman from just seeing Jordan come out on stage in LEATHERS, they took it a step further and performed a "battle" of "Backstreet's back" and "Hanging tough" for their finale. swoon.

* My roomate is obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial. As in, watches live feeds from the courtroom all day long and last night said (and I quote) "the trial adjourned early today cause that bitch Casey got sick". I found out this morning that Casey Anthony is actually from Warren, Ohio. I haven't told Meghan yet as I don't want her to spontaneously combust with the knowledge that we all share a home state. Hoping telling her via blog softens the blow.

*Apparently Saved by the Bell is no longer airing every morning at 7 and 7:30. First Meredith Viera and now this? I have no reason to wake up anymore.

* I am re-infatuated with the Real World (ie. RW/RR Challenge farm league) after the last season in Las Vegas. To say it was amazing would be a gross understatement. On the reunion special last night, we found out that one of the roomates is now designing his own clothing line. Basically he got a stencil and is screenprinting his name on shirts, hats, and underwear and calling himself creative director. It's ridiculous, it's ugly, and it will soon be in my closet. (which isnt saying much since I am the same person who bought a "Landon wall calendar", with a different Landon pose for every month of the year!)

* And finally, the news of a lifetime. Mr. Barry Manilow -the man, the myth the legend- is doing a series of concerts with the Youngstown Symphony this summer. Meaning Youngstown, Ohio. And even better than that, he is performing IN youngstown for one of the shows. And EVEN BETTER than that, it is on AUGUST 27th. Which happens to be his biggest fan's birthday. If there is a better way to ring in 28, I don't know it.

Ups and downs

Man I felt like a loser this weekend.

On Friday night, I got so excited about a scavenger hunt that my friend Carrie had put together for us to play between bars, that I almost threw up running to find the clue. (literally, I had to go home early cause I almost vomited).

Saturday night we went out to “da club” and man did I feel out of place. First of all, I was wearing a t-shirt and flats. Woops. Secondly, there were at least three occasions when my roommate and I looked at each other to say “does katy perry sing this song??” (incidentally, the answer was ‘no’ all three times, and one time the singer in question was actually Chris Brown). It was one of those one-word bars that all seem exactly the same like “play” or “five” or “fly”. I didn’t bother getting the exact name until the next morning when I realized I lost my ID and had to email the general manager to see if anyone “turned it in”. (I still haven’t received my answer, rich@midtowndc.com) (And for those of you keeping track at home,yes, I have lost my ID and phone in the course of 4 days)

Then on Sunday, as if to cement my loser-ness, I decided to watch the Grammys. As I watched the red carpet, I realized I didn’t know 90% of the nominees or performers. I thought that Bruno Mars was someone from Menudo. I still have no idea who this “Drake” fellow is. And to top it off, I had to text my sister to ask if Willow Smith is a boy or a girl (by the way, that answer is still TBD, so any input would be appreciated).

But things are looking up.

It’s a balmy 60 degrees in DC today which makes me want to run down M St topless. Its valentines day which means there is a ridiculous amount of pink cupcakes at work today (and I always say themed-calories are the best kind of calories). And 90210 is on tonight and things have really been heating up recently between Mr. Matthews and Aunt Becky.

So to summarize:

Bad: vomiting from excitement over a SCAVENGER HUNT, left license at one-named club, 27 year old making Menudo references

Good: topless weather, calories and lori loughlin

Phone Dramz, lol, ttfn

There are certain phrases you never think you will get the pleasure of texting to someone. One of those phrases is “did a crazy foreign man call you from my phone today?”. Well friends, yesterday I had the pleasure of doing just that. And man oh man, did it ever feel good.

Let’s take a step back. Rewind three days to Monday when things weren’t really going my way. For one, I had the stomach flu. I spent a good deal of my day dry heaving, excusing myself from meetings for fear of barfing on my coworkers, and eventually laying on the couch at home in pain. This trend continued through Wednesday, and I wasn’t in the best place. I woke up Thursday morning all jacked up for my weekly trip to Philly, salivating at the idea of being motion sick in a cab, train or rental car for over 6 hours of the day, and sitting through 7 hours of meetings. Everything was sure coming up roses.

But then everything changed. Something magical happened. I got on the train to Philly and quickly realized my cell phone was missing. To some, this might have been a bad thing, but I didn’t care much. Walk with me while I explain my phone situation, will you?... My phone is from 1984. It has a slide-out keyboard popular about 10 years ago with tweens, and is called a “Rumor 2”. There is also a large permanent decal on the back proclaiming “RUMOR 2”!! on it in case there was any doubt that LG’s target market with this particular product was 12-16 years old justin beiber fan (well, i guess they got me half right). In short, I love my phone, but considering it probably is worth about $10, it wasn’t such a big loss.

I considered my phone a lost cause and just chalked it up to something else ive lost in a cab (other things i have lost in a cab: lip gloss, credit card, half a slice of pizza, self-worth, dignity), but I was talked into at least calling it to see if anyone answered. And dear lord, did someone ever answer. The convo went a little something like this:

Cab Driver: “HELLLOOWOWWOO?!”

Me: (laughing hysterically) “um, do you have my cell phone?”

Cab Driver: “YES! CELL PHONE! HELLO!”

Me: “wow, ok. How do I get it?”

Cab Driver: "YEs!!!"

Some more conversation transpired and I got the message that he was bringing it back to envirocab “headquarters” (which I later came to found out is a scary unmarked dark room on Columbia Pike)

Fast forward to hours later when I go pick up my phone at “HQ” and look through my calls. The cab driver called... My mother. at noon on a Thursday. After I had already talked to him and made plans to get my phone myself. Apparently he wanted to call my mom to scream “YES YES YES” into the phone at her, which she thought was “JESS JESS JESS” and subsequently thought I had gotten abducted.

He then called back everyone who texted me during the day. Thank you for that, sir.

It was strange. It was confusing. It was glorious.

And thank god I have my precious phone back in my possession so I don't have to go buy one of those "smart phones" all the kids are talking about.

In other news:

Yesterday I didn’t have any change when I parked on the street and had to feed the meter, but what I DID have was a piece of paper and a pen. So I got resourceful and wrote “BROKEN METER” on a piece of paper and stuck it on my windshield. Viola. Dishonest? Certainly. But it sure did the trick.

I heart you, Kody Brown.

Can we please talk about “Sister Wives” on TLC? What an amazing piece of art that show is. Let me start by saying, I’m pretty embarrassed that it was on for 3 episodes before I discovered it. For everyone that hasn’t seen it yet (shame on you), let me set the stage for you.

Our protagonist Kody Brown, is an advertising executive in Utah, just looking for love. His catch phrase in the opening credits is actually (and this is not a joke): “Love should be multiplied, not divided”. Wise, Kody, wise. So in an effort to “multiply” his love (shudder), Kody has 3 wives, and is currently “courting” a 4^th. They all live in one big house that is sectioned off into apartments and have about 175 children between them all, ranging in age from 18 to fetus.

There are so so so many things wrong with this… and by “this” im not talking about polygamy in general. I’m talking about Kody being able to get 4 women to marry him (or one for that matter). There are so many reasons this concerns me, but let me draw your attention to a few:

#1: Kody spells his name with a “K”. And more to the point…his name is Kody. And I don’t know about you, but there is only one “Cody” that doesn’t give me the creeps, and that, my friends, is Mr. Cody Lambert. The code-man. (side note: Dana-Burger would have been LUCKY to date Cody. I mean, sure… he lived in a van in his uncle’s driveway, and he wasn’t the smartest “dude”, but he really did have a heart of gold. Ch-yeah!)

#2: Kody has a receding hairline AND a flowing mane of hair. While that’s an impressive accomplishment, it’s also disgusting looking.

#3: Kody leaves his first 3 wives and their 97 kids to go visit his potential 4^th wife who is 4 hours away for days a time. What a catch!

#4: Kody is a creep. Plain and simple. He. Is. Creepy.

Then there are the “sister wives”. Hmmm, how can I accurately describe the sister wives? Well… they seem to wear a lot of Old Navy “performance fleece” pieces and crewneck sweat shirts. And, ya know, their polygamists. That should paint a nice picture for you. But, while poorly-dressed and strange, these gals do give one heck-of-a sales pitch for polygamy. Some of the highlights:

• Built-in-babysitters!

• Time to watch crappy shows (like sister wives) in peace since you only see your husband every third night!

• 22 people obligated to help you when you move!

• Your kids can (and do) legitimately get to use the terms: “Brother from another mother” and “Sister from the same mister” to describe one another!

In summary, thank you TLC, we doubted you could top “Little People, Big World”, but you’ve certainly done it again.

Sorry folks

Wow, this blog needs an update desperately. I almost completely gave up on it. and then I remembered that I give up everything and decided to re-commit.

To prove my point, here’s a short list of things I have given up on recently:

1. Oil painting class. Heres a riddle: whats $200, requires $500 worth of supplies I will never use again, and is full of smarmy, overly-confident “artists” who look down on the new people who are in the class mostly for the wine and cheese portion? Answer: my oil painting class. My oil painting class that was only 8 weeks long. My oil painting class that was only 8 weeks long but I still quit with 4 classes remaining after spending 4 weeks painting one bowl of fruit only so an elderly woman (WHO WASN’T EVEN IN THE CLASS) could wander in to tell me my painting has no perspective, until I gave her the evil-eye long enough that she apologized and walked away. But in my defense, the elderly woman wasn’t the only reason I quit. It was also because I couldn’t keep a straight face around the live nude in “warrior” pose.
2. Wearing makeup to work. And really, its not just makeup ive given up… its heels, brushing my hair, wearing professional clothing etc. Pretty much I’ve been coming to work dressed like a homeless person for the last 3 months.
3. The Twilight series: Special bonus points for this one cause I gave up reading these when I was 75% through the LAST book of the series. But in my defense, I wanted to give up before even starting the last book, but was convinced to read it cause Bella and Edward finally “consummate” their relationship, and im a sucker for vampire romance.
4. Paying attention when I drive. Exhibit A: the enormous dent on the side of my car. Exhibit B: my $200 ticket for driving on an HOV-only highway when I was alone in the car.
5. Diets. Exhibit A: my sweet body. Exhibit B: my clothes not fitting
6. Being a vegetarian. I became a vegetarian for about a week. I had a spell where I was obsessed with tofu and completely grossed out by meat. This spell ended promptly when I spent one Saturday drinking and eating the following:
   o Boneless buffalo wings
   o Chicken tenders
   o Sliders
   Please also consider this list further evidence for number 5 on this list.

So yeah, I’m a quitter. But in case you all think im lazy now, here is a list of things I have never, and will never give up:

Corn dogs
Full House
Celebrating Halloween for a full month
Over-withdrawing my bank account
Temporary tattoos
celebrating Home Alone “season” (ie. Thanksgiving day- day after xmas)
rolling my eyes at people
use of the phrase “in theory” when someone asks me a yes/no question.

Anyway, that was my long-winded way of saying I haven’t given up on the manilow-down and I hope I haven’t lost all 6 of my “fans”. Ill start writing more from now on, I pinky-swear.

Huge Day

Ladies and Gents, its a red letter day.
The Man. The Myth. The Manilow turns 67 years young today!
Sadly, I received an email from more than one person telling me this. Sad, sad life.

Low point in life - a personal post

So here is a fun game for a Wed afternoon: I just took a quick looksie at my bank statement online. And hol.y. shit. it was depressing. Not depressing in a “I can barely pay my rent and debt collectors are about to come knocking on my door” kind of way (although that is certainly the case). But more a “there are 2 charges in one day at mall food court establishments” kind of way. In fact, in the last four days alone I had the following charges:

· Chick-fil-a (so worth it)

· Great Steak and Potato Company (wasn’t sure they still existed before Sat)

· Nick’s Riverside Grill (for your average Friday night vodka + douchebag combo)

· Mick’s “restaurant” (a bar connected to a Best Western in Stafford, VA…and yes, they did have an open mic night- how did you know?)

· Quantico Clubs (a bar on a Marine base)

· Restaurant 3 (no food. Just beer)

· Colonial Parking (Twice. Ya know, for the days its just TOO painful to take the bus one mile to my office)

There are several more along the same lines, but ill spare you as I think you get the point. Point being: I am a 21 year old guy trapped in a 26 year old girl’s body. One would think that by this phase in my life, I would act more like the successful, polished professional (haha) that I am. But no, I spend my paycheck on THE GREAT STEAK AND POTATO COMPANY, while my credit card bill becomes almost insurmountable. But don’t worry… at least I got my STEAK SANDWICH fix. Who am I? And more importantly, how am I still mobile without the help of a crane?

This bank statement would be acceptable only if I were in one of the following two groups of people:

· Teenage boy who just got his first fake ID and is going through a “growth spurt” while training with “2-a-days”

· Professional Eater training for the 4^th of July Coney Island hot dog contest (On a related note: I think this is definitely Joey Chestnut’s year to take home the belt)

But alas, I am sadly neither of these people. So I am going to close the bank statement, go home, and drown my sorrows in steak sandwiches.