I heart you, Kody Brown.

Can we please talk about “Sister Wives” on TLC? What an amazing piece of art that show is. Let me start by saying, I’m pretty embarrassed that it was on for 3 episodes before I discovered it. For everyone that hasn’t seen it yet (shame on you), let me set the stage for you.

Our protagonist Kody Brown, is an advertising executive in Utah, just looking for love. His catch phrase in the opening credits is actually (and this is not a joke): “Love should be multiplied, not divided”. Wise, Kody, wise. So in an effort to “multiply” his love (shudder), Kody has 3 wives, and is currently “courting” a 4^th. They all live in one big house that is sectioned off into apartments and have about 175 children between them all, ranging in age from 18 to fetus.

There are so so so many things wrong with this… and by “this” im not talking about polygamy in general. I’m talking about Kody being able to get 4 women to marry him (or one for that matter). There are so many reasons this concerns me, but let me draw your attention to a few:

#1: Kody spells his name with a “K”. And more to the point…his name is Kody. And I don’t know about you, but there is only one “Cody” that doesn’t give me the creeps, and that, my friends, is Mr. Cody Lambert. The code-man. (side note: Dana-Burger would have been LUCKY to date Cody. I mean, sure… he lived in a van in his uncle’s driveway, and he wasn’t the smartest “dude”, but he really did have a heart of gold. Ch-yeah!)

#2: Kody has a receding hairline AND a flowing mane of hair. While that’s an impressive accomplishment, it’s also disgusting looking.

#3: Kody leaves his first 3 wives and their 97 kids to go visit his potential 4^th wife who is 4 hours away for days a time. What a catch!

#4: Kody is a creep. Plain and simple. He. Is. Creepy.

Then there are the “sister wives”. Hmmm, how can I accurately describe the sister wives? Well… they seem to wear a lot of Old Navy “performance fleece” pieces and crewneck sweat shirts. And, ya know, their polygamists. That should paint a nice picture for you. But, while poorly-dressed and strange, these gals do give one heck-of-a sales pitch for polygamy. Some of the highlights:

• Built-in-babysitters!

• Time to watch crappy shows (like sister wives) in peace since you only see your husband every third night!

• 22 people obligated to help you when you move!

• Your kids can (and do) legitimately get to use the terms: “Brother from another mother” and “Sister from the same mister” to describe one another!

In summary, thank you TLC, we doubted you could top “Little People, Big World”, but you’ve certainly done it again.

Sorry folks

Wow, this blog needs an update desperately. I almost completely gave up on it. and then I remembered that I give up everything and decided to re-commit.

To prove my point, here’s a short list of things I have given up on recently:

1. Oil painting class. Heres a riddle: whats $200, requires $500 worth of supplies I will never use again, and is full of smarmy, overly-confident “artists” who look down on the new people who are in the class mostly for the wine and cheese portion? Answer: my oil painting class. My oil painting class that was only 8 weeks long. My oil painting class that was only 8 weeks long but I still quit with 4 classes remaining after spending 4 weeks painting one bowl of fruit only so an elderly woman (WHO WASN’T EVEN IN THE CLASS) could wander in to tell me my painting has no perspective, until I gave her the evil-eye long enough that she apologized and walked away. But in my defense, the elderly woman wasn’t the only reason I quit. It was also because I couldn’t keep a straight face around the live nude in “warrior” pose.
2. Wearing makeup to work. And really, its not just makeup ive given up… its heels, brushing my hair, wearing professional clothing etc. Pretty much I’ve been coming to work dressed like a homeless person for the last 3 months.
3. The Twilight series: Special bonus points for this one cause I gave up reading these when I was 75% through the LAST book of the series. But in my defense, I wanted to give up before even starting the last book, but was convinced to read it cause Bella and Edward finally “consummate” their relationship, and im a sucker for vampire romance.
4. Paying attention when I drive. Exhibit A: the enormous dent on the side of my car. Exhibit B: my $200 ticket for driving on an HOV-only highway when I was alone in the car.
5. Diets. Exhibit A: my sweet body. Exhibit B: my clothes not fitting
6. Being a vegetarian. I became a vegetarian for about a week. I had a spell where I was obsessed with tofu and completely grossed out by meat. This spell ended promptly when I spent one Saturday drinking and eating the following:
   o Boneless buffalo wings
   o Chicken tenders
   o Sliders
   Please also consider this list further evidence for number 5 on this list.

So yeah, I’m a quitter. But in case you all think im lazy now, here is a list of things I have never, and will never give up:

Corn dogs
Full House
Celebrating Halloween for a full month
Over-withdrawing my bank account
Temporary tattoos
celebrating Home Alone “season” (ie. Thanksgiving day- day after xmas)
rolling my eyes at people
use of the phrase “in theory” when someone asks me a yes/no question.

Anyway, that was my long-winded way of saying I haven’t given up on the manilow-down and I hope I haven’t lost all 6 of my “fans”. Ill start writing more from now on, I pinky-swear.

Huge Day

Ladies and Gents, its a red letter day.
The Man. The Myth. The Manilow turns 67 years young today!
Sadly, I received an email from more than one person telling me this. Sad, sad life.

Low point in life - a personal post

So here is a fun game for a Wed afternoon: I just took a quick looksie at my bank statement online. And hol.y. shit. it was depressing. Not depressing in a “I can barely pay my rent and debt collectors are about to come knocking on my door” kind of way (although that is certainly the case). But more a “there are 2 charges in one day at mall food court establishments” kind of way. In fact, in the last four days alone I had the following charges:

· Chick-fil-a (so worth it)

· Great Steak and Potato Company (wasn’t sure they still existed before Sat)

· Nick’s Riverside Grill (for your average Friday night vodka + douchebag combo)

· Mick’s “restaurant” (a bar connected to a Best Western in Stafford, VA…and yes, they did have an open mic night- how did you know?)

· Quantico Clubs (a bar on a Marine base)

· Restaurant 3 (no food. Just beer)

· Colonial Parking (Twice. Ya know, for the days its just TOO painful to take the bus one mile to my office)

There are several more along the same lines, but ill spare you as I think you get the point. Point being: I am a 21 year old guy trapped in a 26 year old girl’s body. One would think that by this phase in my life, I would act more like the successful, polished professional (haha) that I am. But no, I spend my paycheck on THE GREAT STEAK AND POTATO COMPANY, while my credit card bill becomes almost insurmountable. But don’t worry… at least I got my STEAK SANDWICH fix. Who am I? And more importantly, how am I still mobile without the help of a crane?

This bank statement would be acceptable only if I were in one of the following two groups of people:

· Teenage boy who just got his first fake ID and is going through a “growth spurt” while training with “2-a-days”

· Professional Eater training for the 4^th of July Coney Island hot dog contest (On a related note: I think this is definitely Joey Chestnut’s year to take home the belt)

But alas, I am sadly neither of these people. So I am going to close the bank statement, go home, and drown my sorrows in steak sandwiches.

Nerd City

According to Forbes (by way of my msn homepage… I will not be reading Forbes until they change their format to include a “Stars.. they’re just like us!” section) Washington, DC is the fittest city in the country for the third year in a row.  

I’m so glad to see DC getting some press that doesn’t involve it hosting the most boring season of Real World ever (which is saying a lot considering that snoozer London season when all the “drama” surrounded someone’s TOUNGE getting BITTEN off), or ya know, the whole politics thing.  

But I digress. What is important here is that DC is finally getting some well-deserved accolades to turn around our "nerd city" reputation. I mean, we can't help it that for 5 months of every year we are overrun with fanny-pack wielding tourists. And its not OUR fault that our entire public perception is based on aging senators and women wearing unfortunate, ill-fitting power suits (im looking at you, Hil).  

And maybe we do have some nerdy quirks: Sure...FAR too many people on the metro are wearing their blackberrys strapped to the outside of their belt-loops. And ok, I guess there are people dressed in “olde thyme” garb riding mules and giving canal tours outside of my office on a daily basis. And yes, it's true that the "Real Housewives of DC" is not airing because the footage was too boring (even with those whacky Salahis in the mix).  And I MIGHT have been asked more than once at a bar what political party affiliation I am.  

But what is really important here is that we WON something. We beat New York in SOMETHING. And we have a hot mayor (suck on that Michael Bloomberg).   

So bravo, DC. You may just be slowly creeping away from that pesky “Hollywood for ugly people” name, after all.

Lohan's done it again

People.com is reporting that there is a warrant out for Lindsay Lohan’s arrest. Apparently, she failed to show up to her court date, due to the fact that she lost her passport and is stuck at the Cannes film festival. There are so many things disturbing about this report:

1. A ‘tearful’ Michael Lohan was seen in court nodding in agreement with the judge’s decision. This means that Michael Lohan is now the voice of reason in the Lohan family. In unrelated news, Al Roker just reported that hell has indeed frozen over.

2. Isn’t Cannes typically reserved for legitimate actors in real movies? The last real movie Lohan was in was the Parent Trap circa 1998.

3. Lindsay’s bail will be set at $100,000. Maybe in real-people money that is a lot, but in Lohan-money that is the tip you leave after your weekly trip to Les Deux.

4. There are also unsubstantiated reports that while in Cannes, Lindsay has been spotted “canoodling” with Amanda Seyfried’s boyfriend. Lohan,Cady Heron would NEVER do that to Karen or any of the other plastics! I know you stole Aaron Samuels from Regina George, but Regina deserved it! We thought we knew you, Lohan.

All anyone can hope for now is Lohan’s safe return to LA, where she will undoubtedly be apprehended by the authorities at the airport…hopefully with cameras rolling, pushed live to tmz.com so our generation can have its’ very own “white ford bronco chase”.