Have Mercy!

I read an amazing synopsis this morning of “very special” sitcom episodes from the 90s. While giggling to myself thinking about ol’ Deej Tanner’s eating disorder brought on by her desire to be skinny for Kathy Santoni’s pool party, I couldn’t help but think how unrealistic sitcoms of yore actually were.

So I thought it would be an incredibly productive use of my time on a Monday afternoon to rank plausibility of our favorite sitcoms, from most believable to Sister, Sister.

Family Ties:
Ok, I buy it:
Alex P Keaton is a young republican in Columbus, Ohio: check
His parents were former hippies and thus, hilarity ensues: check
There is the requisite chunkier, not so attractive daughter: check
Although, it loses credibility with the introduction of the creepy, young son who was not at all integral to the plot and was clearly brought in for comedic relief (of which he provided little to none).

All-in-all, I’m giving it an 8 out of 10. Bravo, Alex P. Keaton. (and PS. Who was the creep painting their portrait in the beginning? Random and scarring)

Growing Pains:
Let’s see:
Jason Seaver: Psychiatrist that works out of the house so wife Maggie can go back to work: I gotcha
Son Mike is a prankster with a best friend named Boner: eh, I buy it, it was the 80s afterall
Again, there is a random child thrown in a few seasons in, by the way of Chrissy. Chrissy was a fine addition to the cast, until she went from age 2 to age 10 over one seasons’ hiatus: credibility declining
Then we get a young Leonardo Dicaprio. Now, I don’t typically use phrases like “jump the shark”, BUT this is clearly where Growing Pains “jumped the shark”. Leo plays Luke, a young homeless boy (a very mild-mannered and attractive homeless boy, of course) who somehow ends up staying with the Seaver’s and they eventually ADOPT him: Wow. Way to hit rock bottom Growing Pains

I give Growing Pains a 6 out of 10. Bonus points cause it gave us Leo.

Family Matters:
Family Matters in general was a pretty decently believable show. Carl and Harriette Winslow were middle-class Chicago residents with 3 kids. Let’s forget for a minute that they eventually adopted a son NAMED 3J. But I’m letting that go and picking my battles. Because the bone I really have to pick with Family Matter lies solely with Steve Urkel.
Of course, the primary argument is that NO ONE is as nerdy as Steve Urkel, who OFTEN mentions SMELLING CHEESE. And then there is the fact that he would NOT remain in love with Laura Winslow after the way she treated him. She was brutal to poor Steve. But no, my main glitch with Steve Urkel is his eventual transformation to Stefon Urquelle.
Steve somehow turns himself into Stefon to win Laura Winslow’s heart, which works. Steve continues to turn himself into Stefon for longer and longer periods of time until he proposes to Laura as Stefon. He then clones himself. I repeat: He then CLONES HIMSELF. Ok, I’m stopping here.

I’m giving Family Matters a 5 out of 10. Bonus points for being an original spinoff of Perfect Strangers. Balki brings up anyone’s points. Chicago or burst, indeed, Balki.

Full House:
While those wacky Tanners are some of the best characters on TV, there are some major believability issues here. I mean, let me start by saying, I feel bad for Danny Tanner. He lost his beloved wife, saddled with three brats and a dog… all he had to comfort himself was throwing himself into Wakeup San francisco. But really Dan-man? You are going to bring in your delinquent brother-in-law and weird-ass college roommate (whose best friend is a WOODCHUCK) to take care of your three young girls? Please. Already, your credibility is shot. But I’ll continue.

There were some real gem episodes in this series, the aforementioned DJ eating disorder, when Comet runs away with a beautiful collie lass (and rides the cable cars), and my personal favorite: when Stephanie and her JD friend Gia start a girl-group singing “I saw the sign” but spent too much time getting their looks ready and not enough time rehearsing (touché uncle Jesse). And who can forget Stephanie’s killer dance to “Motown Philly” which im still known to bust out in a bar or two.

But as good as these episodes are, it’s hard to forget that two random dudes are living in this house, one of which eventually marries and then proceeds to MOVE INTO THE ATTIC with Aunt Becky and his two freak twins. (Seriously, Nicky and Alex are frightening). And don’t try to put it past us that you changed Jesse’s last name mid-season 1 from Cochran to Cotsapoulis.

All that being said, I really enjoyed this show, especially when Michelle Tanner wasn’t in the scene (PS. How did those freaky looking babies grow up to be our beloved Olson Twins??), and the sweet sounds of Jesse and the Rippers (“if every word I said, could make you laugh, id talk forever.. .oooooo”).

Overall, I give you a 4 out of 10. Have mercy.

Saved By the Bell:

Finally. The cream of the crop. The big kahuna. My whole reason for being: Saved by the bell.

Oh gang from bayside, how I love you! How I’ve always longed to hang out at the Max or stuff Screech into a locker! Or maybe, just maybe, pull off one of Zack’s classic pranks on Mr. B!

But alas, though you have stolen my heart with all of your zany antics… there are a few things I just can’t get past.
1. Did you not think LOYAL viewers like myself would notice that you moved the entire school from Indiana to California after giving Miss. Bliss the boot??? I understand your motives in changing the format: Mikie was a total dud. Milo? Psshhh, that guy was a creep. But come on, give your loyal, series-long viewers some credit. We noticed and we didn’t appreciate.
2. Why are Zack, Kelly et all, friends with Screech? The kid is a grade A nerd. I don’t care how far him and Zack go back, Zack would have ditched that nerd the second they hit 9th grade. He has a robot named Kevin living in his room for Christ sake.
3. There were two alarming mall-centric episodes: the time the “gang” worked at Moody’s store for men with a homeless girl who Zack fell in love with. Of course he did. Then there was the time when the “gang” was trying to get U2 tickets and were being chased around the mall by thugs who were really hired by Candid Camera. What? The whole thing was for Candid Camera? Thanks, I want that 30 min of my life back.
4. Zack and the gang had SEVERAL different bands during their prime. First they were “Zack attack” (a personal favorite), then, on the tear-jerking prom episode Jesse and Slater were singers?? (“Say we’ll always be friends??? Forever.” – still gets to me). THEN, the most implausible band of all: during the bunk Tori-years when they became a DU-WOP group. Many of you may not remember that, it was pretty forgettable, but do yourself a favor and youtube a clip of it. Screech’s bass is worth its’ weight in gold.

I could go on and on, but really, it doesn’t matter. Saved by the Bell will always have a place in my heart. But it still ranks a 3 out of 10 in believability. Now everybody do the, the SPRAIN! Woo hoo!

Sister Sister:
Well, we have come to the end. The most unbelievable show ever to grace our televisions. For those unfamiliar, the plot centers around two identical twins, Tia and Tamara Mowery, who were separated at birth, one living with a straight-edge Ray Campbell and one living with wild- child Jackee. They randomly run into each other at a mall, of all places, and then decide… yes, you guessed it, they should all MOVE IN TOGETHER. Ok, yeah, I buy that. The twins continue to grate on your nerves with their incessant “go home ROGER” taunts to their scrawny neighbor (who I believe eventually grows up to be hot).
The show gains a little believability in its latter years when the twins start to straighten their hair and sing the opening credits, but by then it’s too late.

I can’t even say more about this show. It’s upsetting. 0 out of 10 for Tia and Tamera.